Sunday, August 15, 2010

One night on the town with a couple of corn-fed sweethearts will change you

I might have mentioned this before, but I have a huge inferiority complex. As such, I am a bit concerned about what the outside world thinks of Wisconsin. Specifically, I am concerned about what Ryan Braun thinks of Wisconsin.

"Most athletes have a restaurant that ends up being a sports bar," Braun said in a USA TODAY article, discussing the two restaurants he opened in Wisconsin. "I wanted a contemporary place. A little L.A. A little Miami. A little New York. I wanted this to be more of a lifestyle restaurant, one representative of my personality."

Wisconsin isn’t L.A., Miami or New York, but that doesn’t mean it’s not freakin’ awesome in its own way. So, I propose that, you, Ryan Braun spend a night on the town with my sister, Megan, and me. As I see it, after a night with us, you’ll embrace your inner cheesehead. You’ll still wish you were playing for the Yankees, Dodgers or Marlins but at least you’ll have a better appreciation for your fans (and you’ll understand that it takes a lot of work to get a physique like this).

The night would go roughly as follows.

We would start out the night at the prototypical Wisconsin-eating establishment. Everyone in the place will have on a Packer sweatshirt--that’s business casual in Wisconsin. Ryan, you should probably leave the Remetee at home for this night on the town. It’s not that your shirts aren’t nice; it’s just that they’re a little too colorful and they don’t say Packers anywhere. You don’t want people to get the wrong idea.

There will be meat and more meat on the menu—all of which is either fried or deep-fried. Veggies are for wussies worried about their heart problems. Even if you try to get something healthy, like a chicken sandwich, it will be breaded, deep-fried and come with a ham and cheese sandwich on top of it. Whatever you get will be served with a side of melted butter. Hello, this is Wisconsin: America’s Dairyland. And you’ll need to drink some tap beer, preferably Schlitz, Old Style, Hamm’s or the High Life. If the beer is foamy, make sure that you make a joke about liking head. It’s funny every time! 

After dinner, we’d head to a bar with a lot of down-and-out looking regulars seated on bar stools. The most important things about this bar would be 2-for-1 drinks and karaoke. I know you have a lot of money but beer tastes better if it is cheap. It’s a proven fact. In order to get superior service throughout the night, we’ll buy our server a shot. Again, money can’t buy happiness but it can buy booze.

After you’ve downed five to six beers, we’ll sign you up for some karaoke. Song selection is going to be important—we would steer you away from any song that you’ve walked to the plate to. Again, your music selection at the ballpark is top-notch—this is just for your own safety. I would sign you up to sing Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi. I’m not sure if you were even born when this song came out but Wisconsinites dig heavy metal. Own it. Pretend it’s about baseball. 

It’s all the same, only the names will change
Everyday it seems we’re wasting away
Another place where the faces are so cold
I drive all night just to get back home
I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when you're alone all you do is think

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back
I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make it back
I been everywhere, and I'm standing tall
I've seen a million faces an I've rocked them all

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
I'm wanted dead or alive
I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side
I'm wanted dead or alive
And I ride, dead or alive
I still drive, dead or alive
Dead or alive
Dead or alive
Dead or alive
Dead or alive

[Wanted! (Wanted!) Dead or A-Li-VE! Sorry, I got distracted. I love that song.]

After karaoke, we’ll take you to Denny’s. You didn’t grow up here and no one expects you to have that sort of tolerance yet. But it will have been a few hours since we last ate and we don’t want you to come down from that uncomfortable full feeling. If all goes as planned, you’ll wake up: 1) hating yourself; 2) feeling miserably gross; and 3) hungry. And after a night like that, how could you even remotely envision yourself playing anywhere else?

Brewers 5, Rockies 4 F/10
Game played 8-15-10

I'm thinking something like this scene. On this night, our waitress, Dawn (left), who cackled, gladly took a cherry bomb shot with Megan (right) in lieu of a tip. I love Megan's shirt. 

1 comment:

  1. I've seen a million faces an I've rocked them all.

    Seriously, someone sang that. Non-ironically. And they let him keep making music.